Discovery

I am taking a class in Las Vegas this weekend and part of our homework assignment is to keep a journal and write an entry every night.

What do I think so far?
At this point, I am not sure I am cut out for this class. I don't share, especially about my private life. The whole point of this class is to share about your life so that you can discover yourself-how you think, how you act, and why you think and act that way. How are you supposed to do this if you can't share?? But, the catch is that the majority (ok, maybe 40%) of the people enrolled in this course are the same way, which is oddly comforting. I am not alone! Today, I will try harder to share and open up.

I've known that everyone has their problems and baggage but only yesterday did I actually understand that fact. Everyone has a belief system that is formed from past experiences that influence the way they behave. Everyone hurts. During my quiet observation, I have found that many people in this class are a kind of mirror for me: people who are people pleasers and thus afraid to say no. I find that I tell people what I think they want to hear instead of saying what I am really feeling. I suspect this behavior stems from a childhood of trying to appease and please my parents, only to be faced with their disapproval. Because I never got theirs, I try to find it in others, whether it's in strangers, friends, or relationships. Recently, my parents have given me their approval (based on all the lies I tell them lawl) but this behavior is so engraved in me that I don't know how to change it.

Close to the end of the night, we formed groups of 6 or 7. My group: a very mothering woman, a woman who knows little English, a 24yr old who reminds me a lot of Leah, a 19yr old overly-eager ginger boy, a car salesman, a gay man who is trying to get away from a destructive relationship, and me. The course leader says that by the end of the weekend, we will discover why we were drawn to each other. This, I have my doubts about. I think that because he said that there was a reason we were drawn together, we are going to find a reason that didn't exist. It's like how all English papers are based on thesises (thesi?) that the author never intended.  Does that make sense? Too lazy to clarify if not.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on the class so far. The drive up here was AMAZING because for probably 5 of the 6 hours it was absolutely POURING. I'm talking about 5 foot visibility, baseball sized raindrops hitting my car, almost dying about 8 times, and adrenaline coursing through my veins as I did 80 on a mountain going down while all the other cars were doing 40. Then, it cleared up and the whole time I had been in a complex system of mountains, valleys, rivers,and lakes. It was breathtaking. I got out to walk on the Hoover Dam (and paid 20$, what a ripoff) and that was cool.

My hostel is so great. I got a room to myself! But people are checking in tonight since it's the weekend.  Beds are comfy and free breakfast for $18/night. Score!

Anyways I should probably get ready for this course. Today is a 13hr day of more self-discovery. Can't wait. Can you feel my enthusiasm?

Your friendly neighborhood Asian,
Binny

P.S. Sorry if there are lots of mistakes, I a writing on my iPad and its a bit difficult. (Here's me making excuses again)

Personalit(ies)

So there's this guy named Jung Something or Something Jung and he thought he could generalize all the personalities of the world into eight catagories. Pfft. (You couldn't even fit ours into 8 if you wanted to.) Anyways, I took the test and got ENTP: extraverted 11%, intuitive 38%, thinking 12%, perceiving 56%. Some other ENTP's include Thomas Edison and Leonardo Da Vinci. (I guess I've graced this group with my presence.) I do relate to some of the things that were said in the description, such as "perverse sense of humor" and "little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent". I'm also relieved that suitable careers are those that involve "intensive intellectual efforts". However, I'm wondering if this is one of those things where it's SO generalized where you have no choice but to agree with what they're saying, like horoscopes.

I also remember taking this test for my psychology class in high school and getting a different answer. I got INTP which is the same as today's results except for the introversion. I have to believe that people are able to change, because let's be honest (lesbianest), high school Binny ain't got nothing on college Binny.

If you want to take this test and find your destiny or whatever,
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

If you want to read more about ENTP and my supposed "fondness of toys" ;),
http://www.humanmetrics.com/personality/entp


Sincerely, (what's our closer???)
Binny

While I am by no means emotionally stable, I am by no means emotionally inept.

Over the years, I have built walls that are taller than Mt. Everest and with more protection than using birth control, condoms, and the pull out method. Under rare circumstances (too many drinks, PMS, or sex brain), I have let my walls down and practiced the rather simple yet convoluted task of opening up. Similar to the "opening up" you do for a strep culture or a Pap smear, I have determined that emotional transparency leaves you just as vulnerable and uncomfortable.

While a bit dramatic and overgeneralized, I have discovered that with emotional transparency comes two fundamental responses: the "there are people who have gone through worse" comments and the "you're doing so well considering.." comments. (Ironic because neither result is as definitive as my recent STD test.) The ambiguity of these responses leaves me to wonder what we hope for in opening up to people. Do we seek the validation that our woes outweigh other peoples? Better yet, is opening up a determinant of maturity, as if when you do you are suddenly deemed emotionally stable enough to be an adult? Is it a profound maturity that allows us to recognize that other people simply cannot understand our problems to the fullest extent, or is it a profound immaturity that we feel our problems somehow surpass other people's intellectual caliber?

Is emotional opening up just as important as scheduling those annual physical exams?

I'll let you know when I figure it out, you do the same.

Perpetually Single,
Leah

(and Binny)